Hey Y'all,
Long time no blog...I'm sure you've all been having trouble filling your days with no hilarity coming from here lately, and for that I sincerely apologize. In my defense, I was busy watching my boy Jared get married, and eating an absurd amount of delicious food at the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Project six pack definitely took a hit, but it was absolutely worth it.
Now on to the CrossFit portion of the blog.
SESSION THREE
I had a session on Thursday and I'll be honest, it feels like it was a million years ago. The session was with Jeff (the dude who looks like a much older and more jacked Dane Cook...although I've recently revised his celebrity doppleganger, he is a dead ringer for the uncle in Weeds. He even talks like him. But I digress....). I got in early and did my warm-up: 500 meters on the rowing machine followed by 30-20-30, which is 30 free weight squats with that freaking band around my knees, 20 arm pull over things (basically you hold a bar at your chest with your arms spread apart, pull your arms up over your head while still holding on to the bar and touch the bar to your back, then pull your arms back up over your head and touch your chest...not very hard, mainly good for flexibility...sorry, couldn't find a youtube video of this) and 30 squats with a bar raised over my head...this was a pretty taxing warm up for me, and I was dripping sweat after I finished. This prompted Jeff to nickname me "The Sweat Monster." Awesome, look out ladies.
We worked on my form in dead lifts (still shitty but getting better), overhead presses (my flexibility in my shoulders is still pretty bad but these were probably my best exercise) clean and jerks (sequencing isn't great, but progressing slowly) and back squats (knees still go in if I don't concentrate on pushing them out....this will for sure be an ongoing struggle).
After what seemed like a millon reps of each (just with the bar, but still, pretty tiring for me) Jeff proclaimed that I was using my arms and shoulders too much on my clean and jerks. He told me not to fret though, he had a solution. He was going to burn out my arms and shoulders so I could no longer use them. Motherfucker.
I then proceeded to go through my hardest arm workout in recent memory. I don't remember all the details but I remember being yelled at constantly, wanting to stop numerous times but not being allowed, and probably crying a little bit. It was a combination of overhead presses with the bar and presses from behind my head. After finishing this portion of the workout I don't think I could have picked up a pencil and written my name clearly.
Shortly after destroying my arms and shoulders Jeff had me start doing clean and jerks again. This was extremely difficult at first, I was legit worried about dropping the bar on my head. However, Jeff was right, once I started engaging my bigger muscles it was much easier to get the bar up over my head. I guess there's a reason these dudes can charge so much money. I did a few more clean and jerks and finally Jeff said I was done. I immediately dropped the bar on the ground and ran to grab some Gatorade.
A bit of background on Jeff: he hates when people don't clean up after themselves. HATES it. He was clearly not thrilled by my behavior, and shot me a "what the fuck do you think you're doing?" look. I got that kid being called to the principal's office feeling in my stomach. "Go pick it up" he said, and pointed at the bar. I shot him a frightened smile then jogged over to grab the bar. I'm an asshole.
To finish, Jeff had me row 2000 meters. He said I should aim to keep my pace under 2:00 per 500 meters, and that under 8:00 would be a really good time. I was tired at this point but I also wanted to atone for my previous thoughtlessness. I basically sprinted the whole way and finished in 7:37. I was pretty proud of this.
After I was done Jeff asked when I wanted to schedule my next session. To my dismay he made no mention of my time. Womp womp. I told him Monday of next week. "Oh really, waiting that long?" he commented, clearly judging hard. I let him know I had a wedding to go to and I'd be out of town. Jeff was not impressed by this. I assured him I would work out over the weekend. He absolutely didn't believe me.
After the session I hopped in my car and drove back to the 248 for the wedding. Friday I didn't work out at all, Saturday I did a quick circuit (10 pull-ups, 20 pushups, 30 free weight squats, 40 sit-ups) three times and a 2 mile jog, then Sunday I nursed an aggressive hangover, watched the British Open and probably burned about 12 calories the whole day.
SESSION FOUR
Today (Monday) I had my 4th session. I showed up a bit late to the session due to traffic (and me being an idiot and not allowing enough time to get there) so I had to rush through my warm-up. I did my 500 meter row, then started my squats. Jeff came over, looked at me like I had a second head growing out of my neck and commented "no band today, huh?" I had legitimately forgotten to put the band around my knees, but Jeff clearly thought I had done it on purpose. (A little context, this exercise is significantly easier without the band) He proceeded to lecture me on the merits of the band, told me that everyone in the class used the band for the warm-up, even the top CrossFitters in the world used the band, how dare I saunter into the CrossFit gym and do my squats bandless? Basically I had shamed my family, my country, and every organization with which I had ever been or will ever be affiliated. He had me stop, walk over to the band bag, grab a band, and start my squats over with a band on. Great start to the session, just killin it.
After I finished my banded squats, we proceeded to review the exercises I'd learned during my last few sessions: Dead Lifts (getting better, still a battle thought) Overhead presses (still inflexible but not bad), Clean and Jerk (Still working on sequencing but a bit better) and back squats (knees still go in...I basically feel like a baby giraffe doing these...totally uncoordinated).
Once Jeff was satisfied with my progress in these exercises, he decided to throw in a few more. Next was front squats. This involves basically holding the bar on your shoulders and doing a squat. This is not necessarily the hardest thing in the world, but it hurts my wrist to hold the bar. #whining. I did a few of these and then Jeff asked me if I had ever heard of a thruster. I indicated that I had not. In my head I pictured Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan thrusting their hips during Night at the Roxbury (starts at 0:32). Jeff then got a big smile on his face which I'd come to realize meant this was going to be hard as hell. Probably not like in the movie.
Basically a thruster involves doing a front squat, then a press over your head once you get to the top of your squat. See video here. This was pretty tough for me and took a while for me to get the hang of. After a few ugly reps and Jeff requesting that I move to a new spot since he was scared I would slip in the pool of my sweat on the floor beneath me I got to a point where I was able to do a few in a row. Jeff then informed me that I would be doing 16 sets of 2 reps of these at 15 second intervals. At first glace this did not sound that tough, but after doing a few sets I realized it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. 15 seconds really wasn't much time to rest, so by the end I was battling. I finished pretty strong though and Jeff, surprisingly, seemed impressed. "This is the point in the sessions when you start to see if someone is going to quit or if they'll work hard for you, I can see you're working hard." I shrugged off the compliment like it was no big deal but inside I was thrilled. Ego grew exponentially.
I finished off with a leisurely 2000 meters on the rowing machine, then signed up for 2 more sessions for tomorrow and Thursday. I asked Jeff when he thought I should start classes and he said the sooner the better. I am scheduled for my first class Thursday. I'm definitely nervous about this and I am fully expecting to be the worst person in the class, but I am also excited for the opportunity to measure myself against people who have been doing this for a lot longer than me.
I will leave you with a few thoughts. First of all, it is impossible for a dude to look cool while riding on a bicycle built for two. I saw some bro riding with his smokeshow girlfriend on the drive back to my apartment and he looked like a huge loser. I think I saw a puddle full of man points right beneath him.
Secondly, I don't care if Paul Sandmair defriends me on the facebook, there are no fewer than 5 Nickelback songs that will cause me to immediately roll down the windows of my car, crank my system, and sing at the top of my lungs. One of them (Photograph) came on this afternoon and I did just that. Sorry I'm Not Sorry.
Finally, after careful thought and consideration I have decided to solicit a little bit of feedback on this blog. I feel like the only way for me to make it better is to hear what people think of it. As previously stated I started this for two reasons: to keep myself accountable and to improve my writing. I am more concerned about the second reason right now. If you like a certain format (listing times for example) please let me know. If you like the youtube videos, let me know. If you think I sound like a conceited asshole (and your name isn't Chris Weber), let me know. Cards on the table, that third one will probably not change, but feel free to tell me. Also, if you think of anything that might make it better (pictures, more stats, ect) please let me know.
Alright, that's all, thanks for reading and keep it gangster.
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