Sup Homies and Homiettes (yup, I just made up a word, deal with it),
It's been a hot minute since I've written and a lot has happened in CrossFit land since then. I'm going to go through sessions 5 and 6 pretty quick because today, right after session 6, I did my first real class. Aside from this being an exciting first step for me, I feel like it will be much more interesting for you as well. As much as I'm sure you care about how many free weight squats I can do in a row, some of the feedback I received from people last time (thanks by the way!) is that you'd rather hear more about my awkward interactions with girls, about me getting yelled at and basically me being a little bitch. And, I mean, gotta give the people what they want...
SESSION 5
I did this session on Tuesday and honestly it was pretty uneventful so I'll go quick. We went over the lifts I had done already and added in overhead squats. For me, these were really freaking hard. I'm really inflexible in my upper back so just getting in the correct postion is taxing for me, and squatting down all the way really sucks. I did a shitload of these until I couldn't hold the bar anymore, at which point Jeff had me row for 15 mins....30 seconds on, 30 seconds off. This was pretty taxing too as I was trying to stay above 140 meters/30 seconds, which for me is pretty tough. I dipped down to 139 a couple times but on average was over 140 for each so I was pretty satisfied. After the session I drove home, showered, then proceeded to lay in my bed for the next 13 hours alternating between sleeping and watching Breaking Bad. Great show. Just sayin.
SESSION 6
In this session I learned all about the snatch (no not that kind of snatch, get your head out of the gutter). I started out with my 30-20-30 warmup (with band, never making that mistake again). We then went though all of the lifts I had done previously (quick update on those...still suck at most of em but getting better).
After Jeff was satisfied with my progress we moved on to the almighty snatch. As you can see from the video above the snatch takes quite a bit of coordination and finesse to pull off. As those of you who have seen my running technique can attest, neither of those are my strong suit. Basically you're supposed to use your legs and hips to make the bar "float", then just get your body underneath it. Since the bar wasn't that heavy, I just kind of lifted it up over my head with my arms. Jeff was not impressed by this. "Use your legs, more booty!" he screamed. I did my best to engage my badonkadonk, but even after 30 reps Jeff was still not satisfied. "You're still using too much arms, you need to cut that shit out. Do 30 more." Although this was with only the bar 30 more was quite a few. I sacked up and did my best to engage my big muscles, but still got quite a bit of "constructive criticism" on my technique. By the end I think my form improve, but my arms were basically shot. After I finished those I was pretty spent. "Alright" Jeff said, "You've got 4 minutes until class starts". Fuuuuuck.
CLASS NUMERO UNO
After session 6 ended I jogged over to my bag and grabbed a Gatorade. I was in rare Sweat Monster form at this point, shirt totally sweated through and perspiration literally dripping off me. Other CrossFitters were filing in and seemed to be congregating around Jeff, so I followed suit. Naturally I began to scope out the talent around me. The first few ladies I laid eyes on were hideously ugly former softball catchers with overdeveloped shoulders. Lame sauce...hope this gets better.....
And then i saw her.
Dark brown hair, cute smile, smokin bod, and, most importantly, normal sized shoulders. She was rockin a white tank top and University of Kansas soccer shorts. Former athlete, major plus. I shot her an "I'd come over there and throw some mad game your way right now if I wasn't worried about sweating on you" look. She smiled and looked away. Sold.
After everyone was together, Jeff screamed "400 meters, now!". Everyone took off running so I followed suit. To my surprise I was one of the faster people in the group, I finished the run 3rd out of the 18 people (I'm positive I was the only person taking note of such things, so don't be too impressed). We then circled up and did a 30-20-30 warmup. Jeff used an interesting motivational technique he liked to call "creepy trainer". Basically, if your technique was bad on your squats, he'd come up behind you, grab your knees and pull them apart. Luckily I was not a victim of Creepy Trainer Jeff but I can confidently say that having your knees spread apart by Jeff while he rested his chin on your shoulder would be about the worst thing ever.
Throughout the warmup I kept a close eye on Kansas shorts while at the same time attempting not be be creepy. It's debatable whether or not I succeeded in this...I guess only time will tell. Her form was impeccable thought and she barely sweated. Killin it.
After we finished the warmup Jeff had us go grab a kettle bell and an ab mat for our WOD (Workout of the Day). We were going to do a 100 meter run, 20 sit-ups, and 20 kettle ball swings repeated 5 times. Jeff put 15 minutes on the clock and screamed "GO!"
The first event was running, so I sprinted out and was actually leading for a hot second. I got back and started sit ups immediately and was quickly passed by some of my more experienced classmates. I then moved to kettle bell. I had never done this before so my form was terrible. Basically I used too much arms and not enough core (common theme for me). Jeff had me slow down and work on technique. Come on bro, I'm trying to impress ho's here, get off me!
After I finished I dropped my kettle bell and sprinted the 100 meters. There were now 4 people ahead of me, including Kansas shorts. This caused me to be concurrently horrified at my own lack of athleticism and extremely impressed by her. I passed a couple people and came back to sit ups in 2nd. Again, I was passed in sit ups and kettle bell, but made up some ground in running. This continued 3 more rounds. I finished in 5th place with a time just over 10 minutes, a couple steps behind Kansas shorts.
I was pretty happy with that for my first time, but I'm pretty sure that doing my kettle bells incorrectly probably helped me go a bit faster. Also, not sure if other people were as worried about what place they finished in as me (probably not) but I refuse to apologize for having the heart of a champion.
After I finished I laid on the ground for a pretty long time, then finally mustered the strength to stand up and grab water. Obviously I left behind a 6'2" long puddle of sweat. I'm a disgusting human being. I jogged to my bag, grabbed some water, then put back my kettle bell and ab pad. To my dismay Kansas shorts had retreated to the ladies room after she finished. Small talk opportunity wasted...never gonna get it back...tough break for the kid.
Next, Jeff told us we would be doing front squats. For those of you not familiar with front squats, they suck. A lot. Well, I shouldn't say that, more to the point, I suck at them. I basically feel like I'm going to break my wrists every time I do them. Jeff paired me with Scott, a pretty big dude who's about the same height as me. We were going to do 7 max lifts at 3 minute intervals. I casually asked Scott what his max was. "About 240" he said nonchalantly. Well shit.
We each warmed up for a few mins with the bar, then I started off with 135 lbs (significantly less than the grandma in the video above for those of you scoring at home). I rested the bar on my shoulders like I had been taught, said a quick little prayer, then went for it. I made the first lift, although the bar, as it is wont to do, rolled too much onto my hands and, as previously stated, made me feel like I was going to break my wrist. But whatever, I was done.
After I finished we threw 45 more lbs on each side of the bar for Scott, and he made his lift like the bar was a toothpick. I looked over at Kansas shorts. She was lifting 115 with perfect form. Very impressive, but also terrifying. What would our future relationship be like if she could lift more than me? Would she be the man? Would I be relegated to cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry? Cause I'm terrible at all of those things. I decided I needed to ramp it up a little bit. "Let's throw 55's on each side" I told Scott.
When the timer sounded for me to do my next lift I dug deep and made it again. This time I focused on not having the bar roll onto my wrists. Consequently, it mashed against my collar bones leaving a pretty awful looking red mark on each side. Nevertheless, I was pretty happy about making the lift...until I heard Jeff screaming at me. "You're not going down far enough! Get that weight off of there! It's too much!" Fuuuuuuck you're blowin up my spot bro, chillax.
We threw a few additional 45s on the bar for Scott and he again made the lift easily. Between sets I tried to make small talk with him. "Where are you from, Scott?"...."Garden City" he responded. "Oh, cool, did you go to school around here?" I asked...."Nope, dropped out". Well shit, makin it tough for me Scott, now I feel like a dick. We sat in awkward silence for the next minute until my next lift. This time I threw 45's on each side again and focused on form. I am sure it was nowhere near perfect but Jeff didn't say anything to me about it so I counted it as a win.
After a few more we finally got to our last lift. I was dead tired at this point and was pretty sure I wasn't gonna be able to make it. Then I looked over and to my horror Kansas shorts had 135 lbs on the bar. Same as me. I pictured myself in an apron making bag lunches for our great looking kids before school. Screw that. Not gonna happen.
I gathered all my strength and energy, and focused on this last lift. I replayed the How Bad Do You Want It video in my head, then went for it. Aaaaaaaand failed miserably. Didn't make it, not even close, Jeff said something about sequencing to me but I was too crestfallen to listen. Better start watching the Food Network ASAP.
After I picked myself up out of a pool that was composed of equal parts sweat and man points, I gathered myself enough to watch Kansas shorts do her lift. She made it of course. Gonna be a strange household dynamic for us after the wedding, but I feel like we'll get through it together.
After we finished Jeff took a picture of everyone, then told us to get the fuck out, he wanted to go home. Kansas shorts quickly gathered her things and walked out of my life. Heartbroken. Reeling from my missed lift and the love of my life walking out on me I went over and asked Jeff to sign me up for my next session. He begrudgingly allowed me to do this. "What do you have this weekend?" I asked. "How about 8:30 am on Saturday". "Sure, sounds great, see ya then!" I said, and walked to my car. After I closed my door it hit me. Did I really sign up for an 8:30 am class on a SATURDAY!?!?!??!?! I contemplated going in to change it but didn't for fear of Jeff thinking I was a pussy. So I guess I'll go. I'm an idiot. Fuck.
On the way home Call Me Maybe came on the radio and I obviously rolled down my windows and played it at full volume. Then, as I was cruising down State Street, I swear to God I saw a meth addict. He had his shirt totally unbuttoned, ridiculous hipster hair, and he was holding a pipe with some smoke coming out of it. Maybe it's the 16 episodes of Breaking Bad I've watched in the last 48 hours but I could have sworn it was crystal. I immediately turned down my music, rolled up my windows, and locked my doors. Terrified. I finished the drive home in silence. I then grabbed a shower and some dinner (the douche at subway charged me for extra cheese by the way...come on bro I go there like 6 times a week, are you serious? I'm honestly thinking of boycotting...not pleased) then passed out on the couch.
A FEW FINAL THOUGHTS
I feel like this is as good a spot as any to share a few milestones I've decided will be big for me. First, I'm going to wait until I've finished my 10 session to buy my first CrossFit shirt. I really don't wanna be that guy who buys the shirt but sucks. I figure by the end of my 10th session I'll have graduated into that elite class of human who has paid $350 to have some dude teach them how to do exercises for 5 hours...pretty big stuff.
Another big milestone will be when I first take my shirt off during a session. This is common practice amongst the guys in the group, and most are a lot more jacked than me. I don't wanna burst the bubbles of any ladies reading this who think I look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club buuuuuut I don't....I don't have a definitive timeframe set for when it'll be raining Eshelman abs all over HyperFit USA but I'm guessing it'll be a while.
Finally, something I thought was hilarious and also motivating. As I was walking out today I saw a stack of "Cancellation Request" forms. The good people at CrossFit actually make you fill out a questionnaire when you decide to quit. Agressive. There a was a big freaking stack of these, and on top was the name of a guy I knew. I am not going to say this guy's name, that'd be kind of a dick move, but I will say I already didn't like him too much. He used to be friends with this really hot girl I knew and would frequently post things on her facebook wall like "hey bestie, great to see you today (insert emoticon here)" or "remember that thing that happened today, totes hilarrrrr." Nuff said. But I digress, seeing his form there, basically declaring to the world that he couldn't hack it at CrossFit made me even more motivated to stick with it. I am not excited to wake up early as hell on Saturday, but I am excited to have something like this in my life. It challenges me, and makes me want to be better every day. Can't ask for much more than that.
Alright, that's all, thanks for reading and stay classy!
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